


Seance Fashion and Good Times Emporium

by materialism



Series: The YouTuber Series [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Pansexual Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26114989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/materialism/pseuds/materialism
Summary: Klaus didn't mean to become the internet's strange distant relative with a slammin' wardrobe and devastating wit, but someone had to do it. AKA: A smattering of Klaus' videos, livestreams, and glimpses of his personal life with his boyfriend, Dave, and his best friend and other housemate, Vanya.AU in which all of the Hargreeves are ordinary humans who are YouTubers, because why not? Part of a larger series.
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz
Series: The YouTuber Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1896223
Comments: 10
Kudos: 82





	1. mom, what's a gender?: an introduction

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends, i'm back with something completely different from the angst fest i just posted!
> 
> this is part of a larger series in which i explore how the hargreeves' powers would manifest themselves in a regular person pursuing a non-superpowered life. i have backstories for everyone, which will become more apparent as this series goes on, but just so this part makes perfect sense: klaus is a fashion and costume designer who runs his own custom sewing and clothes business. dave is alive and is a graphic designer. vanya is still a music teacher and also has a channel. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy! i'm having a lot of fun writing this series and i have a lot in store for you party people.

Klaus never set out to start a YouTube channel. 

It was part of a gig, initially - the client was _very_ forward and wanted to interview him about the final product for his own YouTube channel. (Twenty three year old Klaus probably would've slept with her, but twenty nine year old Klaus was happily entangled and already mentally calling himself Mrs Katz, thank you.) He did the interview and he discovered he liked everything about it, from the format to the intimacy of it, the meta aspect of it all. The next week, he bought a little camera and started making videos of his own. The build of Seance Fashion and Good Times Emporium, what Vanya had nicknamed his workspace after a particularly harrowing rush of clients, has been slow but steady. He makes part of his living off the channel now. It's a fairly choice deal. And look: Klaus didn't mean to become the internet's strange distant relative with a slammin' wardrobe and devastating wit, but someone had to do it. He's more than happy to fill that gap. When not posting about his work or roasting astrological signs, he gives people a curated peek into his life - and boy, are they curious.

Here's an example of one of those off-topic, highly requested videos that he's about to upload:

_Mom, What’s a Gender?_

[Klaus wears a very silly pair of New Years glasses from the year 2010, the type where the zeros are the frames. He also wears a cargo vest that belongs to Dave with no shirt underneath and black pants. He’s reading from a piece of paper.]

KLAUS: Klaus Last-Name-Redacted, born October 1, 1989, Brooklyn, NY, 4:06pm, seven pounds eight ounces, Gender: Male.

[He puts down the paper and stares down the barrel of the camera.]

KLAUS: Bold of you to assume I’d take that last option.

[Introduction graphic, designed by Klaus’ boyfriend Dave, swirls across the screen, reading “Seance Fashion and Good Times Emporium” with grunge instrumentals orchestrated by Vanya as his theme. It has become very recognizable and many YouTube channels have tried to copy it, but with little success. Klaus is the personality but is still learning things like graphics and editing that Vanya and Dave have mastered, though for Dave it is part of his job as a house painter turned graphic designer. They both help him out along the way.]

KLAUS: Alright, alright, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, it’s time to get some things straightened out. Or gayed out. I’m not sure which. I’ve been awake for two days working on my latest commission and I’ve seen the sun rise for the first time since I got sober. Also all the moon cycles. Click the link in the description for more about my online tarot reading services. [He grins and points down.]

_Anyway,_ a lot of you, and I mean a lot of you, have been asking me questions about my gender identity. Klaus, you wear your hair so long, what does it mean? Klaus, you have facial hair but you wear skirts sometimes, what does it mean? Klaus, I found this picture of you looking fabulous in a corset from your burlesque days in school, what does it mean? What does it meeeeeeean, oh great one? 

[CUT to a picture of a younger Klaus with shorter, messy hair, thinner in an unhealthy way, wearing a corset, knickers, and heels, singing into a microphone.]

KLAUS VOICEOVER: Imagine me wearing that outfit with this current slammin’ body, oh hell yes! I had the forlorn look down, though. 

[The shot cuts back to Klaus, whose hair is longer and much better kept. He’s put on weight and while still thin, he’s much healthier.]

KLAUS: Well, this is me officially announcing that I…don’t…care!

[cut to Klaus in a more genderfuckery outfit - a schoolgirl plaid skirt and Nirvana crop top, complete with a feather boa. He’s lounging in his chair, barefoot as usual. He has a new tattoo on his calf of a rose.]

KLAUS: That’s right, I don’t give a shit. I know that’s disappointing, but I’ve been disappointing people since the late eighties! 

Gender is a construct and after not much deliberation in my early teens, I decided it wasn’t for me. I do what I want, when I want, wherever I want - sometimes to excess, thus the whole sobriety thing - and gender goes right along with that. I’m not one for labels when it comes to that sort of thing. I suppose all this explanation technically makes me some sort of vague nonbinary gender, if you really want to slap a label on the whole, y’know, situation.

But wait, you might say, that’s boring, Klaus! I don’t know what to tell you. I’m thirty. It’s not all ecstasy and threesomes with married couples anymore. 

…Alright, alright, I’ll be a little serious about it, since you’ve all been asking so nicely.

[cut to Klaus in a different position] By the way, for all of you who have been asking me to say “trans rights,” I thought that sort of went without saying for me, but obviously trans rights. LGB cannot be liberated without the T. TERFs and other transphobes can choke! 

[cut back to prior shot] Anyway, the way I can probably best summarize my relationship with gender is that I have an allergy to it. I’d love to be able to conform to some sort of binary standard - it would certainly make things easier at practically every business meeting - but gender does not like me. I feel best when I’m mixing it up. A feminine masculinity. A masculine femininity. Something else entirely, if I’ve had five cups of coffee in rapid succession and I can see sounds. The possibilities are endless! I love my job because I have access to practically unlimited fashion and I can tailor costumes to fit me after filming has concluded. And obviously I’ve been wearing makeup since forever. Vanya makes me do her makeup whenever she's going on a date.

[cut to another shot; KLAUS has a hat on to indicate he’s a different person.] But Klaus, shouldn’t you have they/them pronouns if you’re nonbinary?

[cut back to original shot] That’s very reductive of you, internet stranger! I don’t know, I like he/him. It has worked for me for thirty years. I’ve never felt the need to change it. I don’t think it necessarily means I’m a man. That’s not the standard for everyone whose gender doesn’t fit into a box. We’re not a monolith, get off my back about it. Everyone’s different.

[cut to another shot; KLAUS is wearing another hat to indicate he’s a different person] But what about your relationship with Dave? Are you gay or bi or what?

[Cut back to initial shot. Klaus deeply sighs and massages his temples - this question is a sore subject but one he knows he has to answer.] The majority of people who ask this question, or variations of it, are young and confused about their gender and/or sexuality. I was there once, I understand. Unfortunately, my answer is much the same - I don’t really worry about it that much. I’m the “or what” part of your question. Pansexual, if you want to throw a label onto it, though again, not into the label thing. I’ve been with all kinds of people, especially in my heavy using days. Dave’s my forever person, so I’m kind of just into him nowadays. He’s a regular old cis guy and he’s gay, but he’s also not worried about it. Does that satisfy you, young children? 

[Cut to a shot of Klaus dressed very conservatively - button down shirt, pressed pants, tie, jacket.] Insert an assortment of slurs here, which you can read if you go to any of my comment sections on social media! 

[Cut back to Klaus very close to the camera; he winks.] Honey, you wish you could touch this.

[Cut to the initial regular shot; Klaus has a colorful can in his hand with a silly straw in it.] It’s LaCroix, relax. Only the best hipster seltzer. Before you ask, it’s Cran-Raspberry, because the coconut flavor is not allowed in my household, no matter what Dave wants. 

Well, I think that sums up pretty much everything. If I didn’t answer any of your questions at all, sorry? I love you all very much, but I also don’t owe you that much of my soul. You don’t owe anyone that much of your soul, just remember that. Alright, toodles.

-

Klaus hasn't always had it this good, with his little weird family consisting of his boyfriend and his childhood best friend, living in a row home in a quiet, residential neighborhood. The world isn't necessarily meant for people like him, he knows this, but he doesn't really care. He's battled addiction, abusive situations, and near homelessness, and he wouldn't trade a bit of it if he still got what he has now. The channel connects him to people who are just like him, millennials who are disillusioned but still hanging in, but also wide-eyed kids who he can be a cautionary tale to (he thinks to himself, but Dave's voice in his head corrects it to role model). He's grateful that he can be anything to anyone at all. He almost didn't have that shot.

He uploads this video, and waits for the good and the bad, the love and the hate. He can take it. He never thought he'd be here in the first place.


	2. an open letter to a ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus makes a video addressing a friendship gone wrong, and his wish to make amends. He gets more than he bargained for when that friend contacts him. 
> 
> (AKA Ben's on BookTube, and might share some blame in what went down.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends! i've gotten a lot of response for chapter one already, so here's chapter two.
> 
> i wanted to explore the sides of the characters that i thought the show started to delve into but didn't necessarily elaborate on because there were too many moving parts to dwell for too long. i've always wanted to see a klaus who owns every part of who he is, good and bad, and we started to get that in s2. on the flip side, we also started to see a side of ben that was not so kind and benevolent, that even with his best intentions had ulterior motives.
> 
> as evidenced by to be alone with you, ben is my baby angel and i love him, but characters are meant to be toyed with. enjoy!

Klaus uploads a video that’s been hard to think about, but he knows he has to do.

An Open Letter to a Ghost 

KLAUS: This is a sort of bonus video, one of those expose your soul kind of deals. The thrifting video will be posted tomorrow, as scheduled, so don’t worry. I found some great stuff when Dave and I were out in the boonies for a getaway. I only regret that my car is not big enough to transport floral furniture. Why is my life so tragic?

[He laughs nervously and ruffles the back of his hair, making it a mess. He looks away from the camera, then at it.]

I feel like a lot of you assume that since I have so many sober years under my belt, my sobriety comes easily. And while I do thrive in these conditions, like a cactus flower in the desert, it’s not as simple as it seems. I don’t wake up and go for a five mile run. It’s one day at a time. I often miss out on social events because I know there’s going to be alcohol there. My dear sweet Dave has pledged to go alcohol free with me so that it’s not in the house, and I cannot thank him enough. I truly do not deserve him.

[The video pauses.]

DAVE: (voiceover) Hey everyone, Dave editing here. I normally leave Klaus to his devices and just fix transitions in these, but I can’t leave this one alone. He’s going to kill me for putting this in here, but he deserves the world. I’ve told him this numerous times, but just so it’s recorded and permanent: I’ll never drink a drop again if he’s in my life forever. He’s stuck with me, not the other way around. Alright, keep watching now.

[The video resumes.]

KLAUS: In fact, Vanya has agreed to do the same as long as she’s living here. She was never big into that stuff anyway, but it’s helpful…

It’s rare for me to get serious on this channel, so you all are probably freaking out by now. Where’s the humor? Where are those bafflingly straight and shiny teeth? Where’s the cheetah thong that we were promised twelve episodes ago? Where’s his boyfriend and his best friend yelling at him to eat dinner? But that’s the reality. I want to drink every day. I want to do drugs, any drugs, every day. Some days it’s less, some days it’s more, but it never goes away. I was thinking a lot today about everyone I have lost because of my vices, and one sticks in my mind.

This is the part of the story where I lose my usual eloquence and wit because it’s…it’s very hard to talk about. But I have to talk about it. This is addressing the ghost in the room, who is a person who is still alive.

In my early twenties, I fell in love with someone when I was working for shops rather than freelancing. I’ve talked to Dave about it, there aren’t hard feelings, I’m not hung up on that aspect of things. But it was clear that he wasn’t into people who he perceived as male - and even in the alternate universe where he was, he wouldn’t be interested in me - so I was content with being friends. We got close, like brothers. We did everything together. He sort of became my whole world.

Now, at the time, my drug use was really bad and as a result… I was just a monster to him. I put him through hell, I really did. He was the guy I called when I got booked for drunk and disorderly. We got physically violent a few times. I stole money from him. Granted, I stole more from Vanya, and the fact that she’s even forgiven me for that is just… anyway, you don’t need to know that. Suffice to say, I was not a good friend to him. And I thought he would stick by me, for some reason. I was so obsessed with him and so in love with him that my brain had concocted this scheme that by virtue of me having these feelings, I could trick him somehow into staying in my life.

Of course, as always happens with these after school specials, he cut me off. He got another job and skipped town, but not before he reported me to my boss. That man pooled resources and checked me into rehab. I spent the first two weeks completely inconsolable. But I learned, and I got better, and I got a different job. He really performed an act of kindness for me by being what I thought of at the time was a rat. I’ve tried to contact him, but he’s blocked me everywhere. He probably doesn’t know I do these because that’s how far removed I am from his life. I found his channel recently. He’s doing what he loves, without too much detail so you all don’t go stalk him, and has a girlfriend who’s just like him. He seems really happy.

I’m not going to say his name, because I’ve put him through enough. But for what it’s worth, if it’s worth anything, I’m truly sorry for what I did. For what a monster I was. I own that. I own that I chose to take drugs and drink, and I have to live with the fact that it destroyed our friendship. I don’t expect forgiveness. I no longer have those feelings for you, and I’m sorry if that ever bled through or made you uncomfortable on top of everything else. I’m grateful for the time we did have together. Thank you for everything, and I wish you the best. If you ever want to talk to me at all, for any reason, even if you want to [breathy laugh] yell at me and call me a horrible person, my number is the same. Goodbye, for now.

[Klaus is on the verge of tears as he very quickly turns off the camera.]

-

A few hours later, Klaus’ phone buzzes on the kitchen counter as he’s cooking. He looks at the screen and nearly drops the phone when he sees who it is.

_BEN: Your new boyfriend seems nice._

Okay, stay chill, stay cool, do not reply right away. At least, he feels like he should do that, but he finds himself responding in an instant. He erases and retypes what feels like a dozen responses before committing to something and hitting send.

_He is, thank you for noticing. Your lovely lady seems like a perfect match._

Klaus goes back to cooking, determined to ignore his phone. When it buzzes a few minutes later, he continues doing what he’s doing. It’s Sunday, which is mandatory “family dinner,” where the three of them sit down for a meal together, alternating who cooks. It’s his turn tonight, and he finishes the carbonara (finally successful) and calls his little family to the table. (When Vanya cooks it is usually grilled cheese or BLTs; Dave is more creative, taking a crack at cookbooks; Klaus usually cooks some sort of pasta dish.) His priority is his little family, his love and his sister. Ben can wait. He’ll probably get bored and not respond if Klaus responds to him, anyway.

Except his phone keeps buzzing all throughout dinner, even though they all steadfastly try to ignore it. Since they all freelance, the rules about phones at the table are lax, but Klaus’ is usually silent on weekends. Every time it buzzes, Dave shoots him an inquisitive look. Vanya has cheerfully been telling a story about orchestra when she cackles at another buzz.

“Somebody’s popular tonight,” Vanya says. “Who is it?”

“Yeah, I’m a little curious myself,” Dave says. “You usually don’t have texts over the weekend.”

“It’s probably this one really needy client,” Klaus lies easily. “She’s been nagging me about this alteration even though I told her I’m not going to answer her texts until Monday.”

“She has your personal number?” Dave says.

Fuck. He’s so dumb. “Just someone I used to know contacting me. From before I got sober.”

Vanya and Dave bristle at that. Do they know? Oh god, they must know. They have the wrong understanding of the situation. They see him as the victim when that’s not true. Can’t they see that he was manipulating a situation because of his own fucked up state of mind, his own feelings, his own addiction? He’s different now, so much better - he doesn’t even smoke weed anymore - but Ben doesn’t know that about him. One thing that has been difficult for him to deal with has been the fact that people from his past don’t get to see this improved version of him. They just see the person he used to be, how he poorly handled his life and wasted it.

He realizes that he’s been silent for a while, with the other two looking at him to elaborate. “I’m not answering them. I think they’ll get the message after a little bit.”

“Klaus,” Vanya says very carefully, and oh no, here comes a lecture. She was there during Klaus’ bad days, whereas Dave was not around then. “I’m not saying it’s anyone in particular, but if it is someone in particular, you should block them.”

“What, do you think I’m going to shoot up again because of a few texts?” Klaus says, then claps his hand over his mouth.

“That wasn’t fair,” Vanya says, her voice starting to rise. Dave watches the both of them like a hawk, his fist clenched, betraying a calm face. “I’m just saying, not that it is a particular person, but this person is bad news. Don’t let them back into your life because you’re feeling maudlin.”

“I’m fully capable of taking care of myself, my dear sister,” Klaus says, a little pointed, because she knows he feels like a wounded animal in this respect. “Please trust me.”

“It’s not that we don’t trust you, love,” Dave says, words deliberate. Of course he’s caught on, because he’s brilliant and just gets it. “What she means is that you’re so forgiving and so willing to put the blame on yourself that you might not have stepped back and considered the facts of the situation.”

“What is there to consider? I fell in love with a straight man, who I proceeded to put through hell, and he saved himself before it was too late. Pretty easy. I don’t need it sugarcoated.” He takes a sip of water. “Those are the facts.”

Vanya scoffs and throws her hands up. “Really? Because the way I see it, you befriended someone who kept you around because you were fun and dropped you when it got too hard to handle. Ben strung you along for a year, Klaus. I was there for all of it.”

“Can you blame him for leaving though?” Klaus says, glad they’ve dropped the pretense. “It’s not easy to be friends with a complete and total fuckup -”

“First of all, you’re not a fuck up, and second of all, I’m still here. I didn’t leave you when you overdosed on my bathroom floor, or when you puked right on my then boyfriend, or through any of it because I’m a real friend. Unlike him.”

“And I love you for it, but that’s not everyone’s threshold. He was right in what he did.”

“He wasn’t right in what he did! He was a rat!”

“Guys, guys, please!” Dave says, raising his voice. The both of them turn toward him, panting from how high their emotions had been getting. “Klaus, you can do what you want. Answer him, don’t, whatever. We’ve already discussed him. But if anything is wrong - anything, Klaus, I mean it - you get one of us and we’ll take care of it.”

Klaus sighs, rubbing his eyes. “I feel like I’m seven.”

Vanya sighs heavily and rolls her eyes. “You sure do act like it sometimes.”

“Vanya,” Dave says.

Vanya huffs. “Well, jeez, forgive me for wanting to protect you. I guess I’ll go fuck myself.” And with that, she walks away.

Dave watches her go and turns to Klaus. “She’s really just gonna walk away after saying that?”

“Oh yeah, she hasn’t been here long enough for you to see the temper,” Klaus says. “Yeah, she runs very hot. At least she didn’t break anything. We’ll start talking again in a few days.”

“A few days?” Dave says, incredulous. 

“Yep. Well, babe, I’m going to do what I have to do, I guess,” Klaus says, leaning in.

Dave shrugs and gives Klaus a kiss, letting him walk off to his office. He drapes himself over the couch and opens his text messages. He’s trying to not let the whole Vanya thing bother him. God, she’s not going to talk to him for days. He has a bunch of texts from Ben, probably sent in a stream of consciousness, like how he used to talk on late nights when they’d been up for nearly a day.

_I didn’t know if you had seen my videos until you talked about my girlfriend, you seemed to be doing well and not thinking about me_

Ha, he is doing well! Better than he ever was! Someone from his past finally new, however bittersweet that was. Klaus can’t help but read a weird tone into that text, though. No, his therapist told him he can’t be doing that.

_I’ve watched a lot of yours. I really liked the one you did with the Lovecraftian concept, with the tentacle guts. I thought maybe you did that one because you knew I liked Lovecraft, but again, you probably weren’t thinking about me_

Ben had briefly crossed his mind when making that costume, his love for eldritch horror, but not very much. These were very strange thoughts for Ben to be having, to be so preoccupied with Klaus thinking about him.

_I subscribed to you under a dummy channel, so you wouldn’t know it was me. I didn’t need you knowing, I don’t know why_

_I guess I wasn’t ready to face you yet_

_It’s been a while but I figured there might still be hard feelings_

_Can I call you?_

It only takes a second of hesitation before Klaus types _yes_ and about five seconds later, Ben is calling him.

“Jello,” Klaus says. It’s something he always used to do when they were friends. He doesn’t know what’s compelling him to act the same when they’re not friends. They’re not.

“Hey,” Ben says, voice still so sweet, and man, if that doesn’t make something twist in his gut. Those feelings for him are gone, but something about that tonality transports him back to a time long gone. 

“Uh, how are you?” Klaus says, unable to speak all of a sudden. He is never without words. He often has too many words. But this is what Ben does to him.

They shoot the shit for a long while, long enough for the sky outside his window to turn from light pinks and purples to a deep, lonely blue. The Christmas lights in the room are his only source of light, and it makes him feel a deep kind of longing for youthfulness. Not that he’s old, but he acknowledges that he wasted the early part of his twenties, especially with the way Ben speaks about what he’s been up to. He apparently is a full time writer and book reviewer, and his channel makes him a bulk of his income. He lives in New York with his girlfriend Jill, who’s a college adjunct and Ph.D student who is writing a dissertation on cults and religious fanaticism. Klaus finds that ironic, since they once worked on a production of Assassins together and Ben ripped on Squeaky Fromme mercilessly. Klaus does not envy their rent costs. He does envy their proximity to the Costume Institute, though.

“Hey,” Ben says, in a lull.

Klaus assumes the conversation is winding down, so he preps himself to hang up. “Yeah?”

“How long have you been clean?” Ben asks.

And there it is. “Hmm, let’s see…well, Hazel sent me to rehab on September 15, 2014, so a little under five years for drugs. I, uh, have had a few alcohol relapses since then.”

“You mean, I sent you to rehab,” Ben says. “Jesus, you spent your birthday in rehab, I didn’t even think…”

“No, Hazel sent me. You just told him I was doing drugs. Which you were right to do, by the way, if you wanted to hear that. You ultimately helped me. Don’t worry about it.” He desperately wants this conversation to end. Having it with Vanya at dinner was bad enough.

“No, you have it wrong,” Ben says.

“I don’t follow,” Klaus says. Now he really, really wants this conversation to be over. Dammit, they were doing so well. “I think I’m going to get ready for bed -”

“You loved me, didn’t you?”

And that nearly stops Klaus’ heart. He’s spoken about it with Vanya and Dave, with his therapist, but it’s not something that’s spoken out loud. They never acknowledged Klaus’ persistent, annoying romantic inclinations toward Ben. It was just accepted as fact. Klaus was the one reaching out, Ben was just out of arm’s reach. Ben gave him second chance after second chance and Klaus kept coming back because he was addicted to how being with Ben felt, even if Ben couldn’t be his. Now it’s just lead in the pit of his stomach.

“I…did, for a time.” A few moment pass in silence, so Klaus tries speaking again, suddenly unable to stop. “It’s no longer the case, of course, so don’t worry about it. I meant what I said, you know, about making you uncomfortable. I know you’re only into women, and I didn’t respect that, and I’m sorry.”

He hasn’t felt the need to apologize for his sexuality since that time, so it stings to say, but he gets through it. A few more agonizing moments pass in silence, so Klaus says, “Are you still there?”

“I - I don’t - I can’t,” Ben says. He never stumbles. They were a match for each other in terms of quips, always a blur or quick exchanges, even if they were angry. Especially if they were angry.

“You okay?” Klaus asks. 

Ben sighs, and starts to talk, his voice a little shaky like he’s going to cry. Klaus also feels like he’s going to cry. “I was just this shy nobody who liked to read a lot before I met you. And you were so cool and confident and didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought about you. When we were together, I was able to do things I hadn’t done before and go places I hadn’t gone before. And you had, well, done do much and I’d done nothing.”

He’s definitely talking about sex without talking about it, something he was an expert at back when they were friends. It makes Klaus feel feel oddly nostalgic. “It wasn’t a competition, Ben, you know that.”

“I know, I just…it’s like, I liked you so much, but I also liked the attention you gave me. I…knew how you felt about me and I didn’t let you know either way. Because I liked to be the number one person in your life. I liked being the center of your world. I…god, I liked the fact that I could control you, in a way. That sounds way more awful out loud, holy shit.”

And oh God, that is hard to hear, but Ben barrels on, seemingly unable to stop now that he’s started.

“You have to know that I grappled with the guilt of that. Klaus, I really did because that’s terrible, right? Someone’s a fucking addict and you don’t get them help because A. They’re going to get back up on their own anyway and B. You’re going to become obsolete to them if they don’t. I needed you just as much as it seemed like you needed me.”

Klaus looks at the clock. 9:17pm. Time flies. “Ben, look, what I needed was to get help, and you did that for me by telling Hazel about my using. That’s all there is to it.”

“I don’t think you get it, Klaus. I didn’t throw you at Hazel’s feet because of you. I did it because of me.”

“I don’t think you get it, Ben. The most I’ll concede to is we share responsibility in a fucked up situation overall. I have no idea why you’re trying to shift the blame onto yourself. It’s a little late for that.” Klaus drags his hand over his face, resting it on his chest. His heart is still racing. 

“I-I had feelings for you too, okay?” 

The nausea is instantaneous. Klaus is grateful he’s already lying down because he’d really have to after that revelation. All this time? But then he hears the uneven jag of Ben’s breath on the other end and realizes that he’s probably going through the same thing. It was difficult for Klaus to admit that he was fucking people over with his drug addiction. It’s probably difficult for Ben to say this, to admit that he wasn’t always the best to Klaus. (God, that he had feelings that whole time? Jesus H.) And Klaus is done playing the victim. It was never a good look on him, like that side undercut he tried shortly after he got out of rehab.

“I was confused and I took that out on you, then bolted the second I could,” Ben continues, obviously oblivious to Klaus’ train of thought. “I didn’t care what happened to you because you were my whole world and I needed that to stop.”

“Ben, I feel like you want me to, oh I don’t know, go ballistic at you for all this,” Klaus says, in a patient voice that is much more Dave than him. “You want me to punish you which, darling, is not my scene anymore. But am I right?”

“…Kind of,” Ben says, laughing at the pale attempt at a joke. “God, I don’t know. It was stupid of me to call you. You were doing just fine without me.”

“I mean, yes, I was,” Klaus says. He inwardly pumps his fist at that little jab, the first time he’s ever been able to be snarky to Ben. “But that’s neither here nor there. It’s out in the air, so let’s talk about it. Sure, a romantic relationship between us ultimately wouldn’t have worked, but you could have been at least a little honest.”

“I wanted to be, but I wasn’t ready to face myself. I’m. Still not, actually.”

Klaus’ eyes widen. “No one knows?”

“Does my therapist count?” Ben says, and Klaus can hear the wince in his voice.

“Not even Jill?” Klaus can’t imagine not telling his partner something like that. He’s an open book and will tell anyone anything, but that’s your forever person. You have to be open.

“She doesn’t have to know,” Ben says. “I love her and I don’t want to change anything. Please let’s keep this between us.”

Despite all the anger funneling through him, the hot shame, he still manages to pity Ben. It’s not easy, being in that headspace. He closes his eyes and tries to channel his inner Pema Chodron. “You deserve to be free. Someone who loves you should love all of you.”

Ben sighs. “I’m not brave like you. You were always yourself, no matter what. You didn’t care. You know how much I envied that? How much I wanted that? I’m fine with this life I have. I just wanted you to know that you’re not all wrong. And that I’m sorry for the part I played in our friendship ending. And that I do still care about you, very much.”

“I care about you, too.” Klaus feels weak. He feels pathetic. Maybe he is those things.

They’re silent for a second, Klaus listening to Ben’s breathing, which is still uneven. Maybe he’s crying? His voice doesn’t betray that, but Ben was always the practical one out of the two of them, better at hiding his feelings. They spent many a drunken night (Klaus always more drunk) with Ben as the voice of reason and seemingly annoyed. Now to know that Ben liked being in control, in his own words. Not that Ben could know his history after they stopped talking, but it all just feels like a slap in the face. Still, he can’t help but feel grateful that Ben reached out, even if the conversation wasn’t ideal. He sort of has closure now. 

A door slams in the background and Klaus hears a faint “Hey!” And just like that, the moment is over.

“Jill’s home. I have to go. But, um, if you don’t totally hate me, would you want to talk again?”

Klaus knows he should say no. That it’s no good for his heart. But then again, he’s a different person now. He can call the shots. He doesn’t have to let anyone boss him around. 

“Yes. But if things start getting too close, if we start repeating patterns, it’s through. For the both of us.” The “not just me” is unspoken, but he thinks Ben gets it.

“Absolutely, you got it,” Ben says, and God, he sounds like he means it. “Um. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Klaus says, automatically, like he’s a wind up toy and his spring is coming loose. “Bye.”

He hits the red button and lets his phone fall out of his hand and onto the rug. He lies there doing nothing but breathing for God knows how long, because time feels like jelly and so does his stomach. He’s so grateful Ben called, the first fix of something he didn’t even know he was addicted to for a long time. Ben’s not the monster he describes himself as. Klaus from Before Therapy would’ve thought so, but he can objectively recognize the fact that Ben is his own person with flaws as well as good intentions. The whole thing was messy.

Then again, he wishes Ben had never contacted him. He hears the words “a fucking addict” in his head over and over, reducing him to his most base form. But that’s what it is, isn’t it? He’s an addict. Drugs, booze, sex, pain, money - it doesn’t matter as long as he’s in constant supply. Even the good things he’s built are addictions in their own way. Love. Creativity. Coffee’s got caffeine, which makes him laugh a little. And it makes him easy to control. And the people who control him don’t even mean to do it - it’s just a means to an end. And they don’t have the monopoly on it, because he’s a manipulator too. Oh God, is he manipulating Dave and Vanya? Is he making them love him? 

He checks the clock on the wall. 11:52. He’s been ruminating for quite a while. He really wants a drink. Really, really badly. Annoyingly, Klaus from a year and a half ago threw out every single bit of alcohol there was in the house, including the stuff that he stashed in his closet away from Dave. He knows he should reach out and talk to someone, but everyone in the house is probably asleep. However, it’s a nice night, early fall, so the air has been crisp and cool at night lately. He decides against shoes and goes out into the backyard, sitting on the plastic garden chair they’ve put back there, resting his hand against the small patio table beside it. The seat across from him doesn’t match. He should’ve gotten himself some orange juice or something, so he could pretend he was drinking something. Oh well. He looks up at the moon, which is brilliant and almost full, partially obscured by nighttime clouds. A breeze rolls in from his right, and he closes his eyes, grateful to be alone. 

“So here you are.”

So much for that.

He looks up at Dave and smiles, because he always smiles when he sees Dave, no matter what. Even if he’s angry at him for being too soft on his bigoted family or annoyed about him never changing the CD in the car, he’s got a kind and open face, vulnerable in ways Klaus would never dream of being. He’s in pajamas and was smart enough to wear shoes and a hoodie. Klaus is getting a little chilly in just his T-shirt and harem pants. Dave takes a seat across from him and waits. And waits. And waits. The automatic lamp they have for the back casts them both in a dim, hazy light.

When it becomes apparent that he will not be speaking until Klaus does, Klaus heaves a heavy sigh and rolls his eyes. “Well David, I did it.”

“You texted him back?” Dave says. “Why were you talking then? I walked by your workshop and I didn’t want to bother you but you were talking a long time. Is this that thing where you sometimes go into a trance and see dead people?”

Klaus laughs at his somehow tenderhearted skepticism. “No, this wasn’t that. Ben asked if he could call and I said yes and he did. And we chatted.”

“You wouldn’t looking like you want to crawl out of your skin if it was just a little ‘chat’,” Dave says, using air quotes. “What’s up?”

“Dave, it’s really nothing,” Klaus says. “Go back to bed. I’m fine. Really.”

Dave shakes his head. “Baby you know I trust you, but I don’t want anything bad happening to you because you’re upset. You’re doing so well.”

Klaus really doesn’t deserve Dave. “Okay, well…”

Klaus tells him the story of everything that went down. Dave listens with a neutral face, his only motion to grasp Klaus’ hand and tangle their fingers together. Klaus doesn’t mean to go into his internal monologue throughout the whole thing, but it just sort of happens, because once he’s talking he can’t stop.

“And I thought, ‘well I’m just a shitty addict and I’m manipulating everyone I love into loving me and Dave only stays because he has to and Vanya is tired of my bullshit and that’s probably why Ben thought he loved me but he doesn’t want to admit that so he’s probably just straight with a weird crush and I don’t even blame him for ditching me -”

Dave tries to talk to him. “Babe -”

“-I mean I’m so easy to control, I deserve that -”

“Stop!” Dave almost shouts, seeming to forget how late it is. 

Klaus looks up at him, feeling his eyes go wide. His head is pounding, like he’s been crying for hours even though nothing has come out. “I’m sorry.”

Dave moves closer to him, scoots the chair until they’re sitting side by side. His Texan drawl is present in his sleepy voice. “Baby, I dropped a fiancé and a full time job to run away with you to the other side of the country. You’re stuck with me. No relationship is all good times. We weather the bad because the good is so worth it.”

“But what if I’m not worth it? You could have anyone. I don’t do anything for you, it’s just you picking up my pieces…” Klaus looks up because that’s the only way he’s not going to cry.

“You are worth it, you’re worth all of it,” Dave says, placing his hands on Klaus’ cheeks. “You think I’m going to run because of your past? Because you struggle sometimes? You aren’t your disease. And what are you talking about, that you don’t do anything for me. I was so deep in the closet I didn’t know if I’d ever get out. I was going to rot in Dallas. You gave me a chance to live a better life. I owe you so much.”

With that, Dave kisses him, chaste, as if they were high schoolers at prom. (Klaus didn’t go to his prom; he and Vanya got drunk at the local skate park instead. Dave was prom king with his high school girlfriend. Go figure.) Tears are falling down Klaus’ face before he can stop them. He’s been so good. He hasn’t cried in so long. They part and Klaus leans his forehead against Dave’s, who wipes tears off Klaus’ face with his thumbs. Staying like that for just a moment, Klaus feels full of love, but also full of sadness, which he wishes wasn’t possible. He rushes forward into Dave’s arm and starts to cry into his shoulder, sobs wracking his body, so much stronger than it ever has been. Dave, feeding him three meals a day and making sure he steps away from his sewing machine and gets some sunshine. Sure, Ben was his partner in all-night adventures, sidesplitting laughter. But really, it’s always been Dave, the constant thrum of safety, of fun without fear, Dave who folds him into the mattress and into the passenger seat and into the seat next to him at the movie theater. 

“I wanted to drink tonight,” Klaus admits.

“But you didn’t,” Dave says, rubbing his back.

They stay together for a few moments until a twig snaps from somewhere near the house.

“Uh,” Vanya says, from the back doorway.

They break apart and look at her at the same time. She looks so small in the doorway, her posture screaming hesitation. She’s holding two mugs. 

“Hey, Vanya,” Dave says, waving. 

“I’m sorry, I thought it would just be Klaus,” Vanya says. “Can I?”

Klaus nods, smiling at her so she knows she’s welcome. There’s a third chair that’s leaning against the fence. Vanya sets the mugs down and grabs it, setting herself up so she’s sitting across from the both of them.

“I’m sorry. I came across way too hot earlier. I know that Ben is a sensitive subject for you, and I was projecting my own thoughts into it and…I’m sorry.” Vanya has never been good at apologizing, not for pride so much as for being too apologetic. 

“It’s all gravy, Vanya,” Klaus says. He grabs her hand. “You were kind of right about him. Leading me on and all that. He said it himself on the phone tonight.”

Vanya’s face briefly contorts into one of anger, but then smooths out. “I was just saying that because I didn’t want you to get hurt. But it’s not my job to make sure you don’t get hurt anymore, huh.”

Klaus looks at her, hunched shoulders in the hooded sweatshirt that he made her. She sips from her mug of tea and smiles at him, a look of hope on her face. Oh, that’s it - she’s scared of losing him. It’s always been the two of them and now she’s witnessed his home life with Dave. She’s probably feeling lost, escaping a relationship where she made herself disappear to be of service, into a household where two people have already been functioning for a while. 

“I’m going to go inside, I think,” Dave says, waving at Vanya. “Good night, Vanya.”

“Night, Dave,” Vanya says and watches Dave kiss Klaus on the head. 

When Dave is gone, Vanya is quiet for a little bit. The quiet is not unwelcome, countering the noise is Klaus’ head, but he almost doesn’t hear her when she says, “I didn’t hate him.”

“No?” Klaus says.

“I was young and I was jealous that he was taking my best friend away from me. I mean, you guys had so much in common. I think that’s why I was really confused when he said he was straight because I always sensed something mutual between you two. I don’t think you would’ve listened to me if I had said anything though. You had it so dead set in your mind that he would never return your feelings and that you were this freak for liking him. I mean I tried, but it always came out wrong.”

“You were looking out for me because you love me, little button,” Klaus says, reaching out and poking her nose. 

“Klaaaaaus,” she says, batting her hands at his finger.

“Babygirl, honey bun, cutie pie,” Klaus continues, reaching his long arms across the table to pinch her cheeks. She wrestles out of his grasp but she’s laughing. 

“And what about it?” Vanya says, putting her hands on her hips and angling her face away from Klaus, a la Ariana Grande on the red carpet.

“Vanya Rose, did you just successfully use a meme in conversation? For the first time? I should have documented this moment.” 

“Klaus, please,” Vanya says, looking at him dead in the eye, expression soft. “I love you forever. You know that. You know I’m weird about it, but I’ll say it a million times if you need to hear it. I’m hotheaded, I know, but I’m trying. Just don’t stop fighting me, okay? Don’t let me bowl you over.”

“I would never let you get out that easy. Love you too, little sis.” Klaus takes a sip of his tea, and is disappointed to find that it has gone cold. A yawn bubbles up, betraying him. His bastard of a body. “I never thought I’d say this in my life, but this is what sobriety and old age has done to me: can we go to bed?”

“Gladly,” Vanya says.

They leave the mugs out on the table (Dave will give them hell about it tomorrow, but whatever) and wander into the house, Vanya following Klaus up the stairs. Klaus walks Vanya to her room and they pause in front of her door. She opens her arms and he scoops her up, spinning her around, her squeak muffled in his shoulder. It’s been a while since he’s done that, had the energy or the time to really be with her in the moment. For so long it was just the two of them, from the group home, to college, to living together, to not living together, and now to living together again. He doesn’t know how many more Leonards are going to pop up in her life. He doesn’t know when his addiction may rear its ugly head again. But he knows they have each other, and always will, for better (or for worse, but really for better again). 

“Good night, little button,” Klaus says, sing-songing his voice just to piss her off.

“Good night, Sonny,” Vanya says, sticking out her tongue.

“You bitch, I am Cher,” Klaus says, mock offended, hand on his chest. “Alright, I tease. Love you, kid.”

“Love you too,” Vanya says. And with that and a final wave, she disappears behind her door.

Klaus feels like he could levitate, but even he knows that’s horseshit. (Not that he’s tried or anything. Of course not.) He pads back to his bedroom and opens the door slowly, peeking in at Dave curled up under the covers, looking small despite his athlete’s body. Klaus slips inside and changes his clothes silently, wanting to feel fresh beneath the sheets tonight. He’ll deal with everything in the morning. But for now, as he lies down beside Dave and closes his eyes, it’s time for sleep. He’s out before he even finishes the thought.


End file.
